Disasters in Corking

You all know that I have difficulty with life’s supposedly simple tasks. I have yet another to add to the ever growing list: I will never be able to drink alone.

This has nothing to do with being judged for sipping solo. It’s because I am completely unable to get the cork out of a wine bottle.

Jenn and I have had a bottle of red wine in our fridge for a few months (Trader Joe’s 2-Buck Chuck, which is actually $3. I’d normally be upset about this deception, but I can’t argue with anything that has a rhyme). Neither of us like red wine. However, last night I decided I was going to give it another shot. Jenn is always the one to open any alcohol. Jenn was not home. I was determined to do it on my own.

I know, I know. I should know by now to tackle a new task with support.

I broke out the wine opener. I placed it in the bottle like I’d seen her do plenty of times. I twisted it and popped it up, convinced that I had just accomplished opening a bottle on my very own! I knew I’d see the skinny cork on the bottle opener.

And…I did. Half of it, that is. The other half was still stuck inside the bottle.

The problem? I could not get either piece off. I tried pulling, twisting, and even considered slamming the bottle on the counter to see if that would make the cork come off.

Then, suddenly it came to me! I’ll use a knife. I began stabbing the cork with the knife, which I thought would miraculously make it come off. False. Instead, it left little bits of cork all over the counter and made little bits of cork go to the bottom of the bottle. [I like to think that this upped my $3 bottle of wine’s value by giving it a rustic quality.]

I’d like to say that this process ended with my pulling the cork off and enjoying my hard-earned glass. False. I called Jenn, not necessarily because I was so desperate for a glass but to apologize for ruining her wine opener. I was convinced that taking the parts of cork out of each area was an impossible task.

Jenn opened it in less than 1 second, while taking on the phone.



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